


If we loved again, I will love you right

by Purple__Lotus



Category: Mao Dao zushi, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Song: Back to December (Taylor Swift), i want them to be happy, songfic?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:48:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28220430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple__Lotus/pseuds/Purple__Lotus
Summary: "Over the years as the season changed, I was told my feelings would change I even expected it to. But with every passing season as each flower blooms and each leaf falls I only find myself falling for you more."
Relationships: Jiāng Chéng | Jiāng Wǎnyín/Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén
Comments: 8
Kudos: 117





	If we loved again, I will love you right

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hello! ☺️ Thank you for clicking in this story I hope you enjoy it. I've taken quite a break from writing so I'm a bit rusty and I'm open to constructive criticism. Thank you all and have a nice day or night and please stay safe 💜💜 heavily inspired by Taylor Swift song back to December

The vicious cold bit at his cheeks and touched them with a soft pink. He tugged his blue scarf up to his nose to combat the biting cold. 

Apprehension twisted his stomach into knots. The turbulent windy weather complimenting the conflicting feelings within him. 

As his feet neared the entrance to the Cafe he sighed lightly and gave himself a mini pep talk. It was filled with baseless courage but he knew he needed it. 

After all, he was about to meet with the love of his life. 

Entering, his eyes quickly scanned the near empty Cafe and spotted a man wearing a purple scarf in a secluded corner. 

With every step, he felt overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through him. Excitement, regret, longing and most prominently, love. 

He smiled ruefully, well he never stopped feeling love. 

As he neared the squared wooden table and settled in the chair, his brown eyes met the soft weary grey blue of the man opposite him. 

"Wanyin."

The man in question arched a thin unimpressed brow and muttered a soft, "Xichen."

Knowing this meeting was still fragile in its suddenness, Lan Xichen decided it would be wise to stick to safer topics while he collected himself. 

He fiddled with the hems of his sweatshirt. "I'm glad you have decided to meet with me. I'm sure you must be busy after taking over your father's company. How is he? How has your family been?" 

The derisive snort was expected but still indicative to how things have changed. Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and huffed. 

" I didn't take over my father's company."

Lan Xichen could only stare in disbelief as the grin on Jiang Cheng's face turned predatory. 

"I started my own" He finished.

Lan Xichen sputtered. "But you were always working so hard for the company. All those sleepless nights and hospital visits resulting from you overworking yourself. Why?" 

Leaning back Jiang Cheng regaled him with a look he couldn't quite decipher. 

"I got tired of waiting for someone to see my worth. So I decided to started my own company and do what makes me happy." He turned to look out the window. "We all know I can't count on anyone to stay long enough to see my worth." 

Lan xichen winced. The jab might not have fully be aimed at him but it hit with startling accuracy nonetheless.  
As he gazed at the man before him, he could see his guard was up. It was in the way his eyes mirrored the stormy weather outside, it was the way he held himself upright, chin tilted up as a defence and the way he wouldn't allow even hiss hands to rest on the table as if to hold himself at a distance physically as much as emotionally and mentally. 

And really, Lan Xichen could hardly blame him. 

He resigned himself to small talk. As they ordered and received their orders, the conversation flitted from work to the weather, a vacant empty sort of conversation you could have with a stranger. 

This conversation also left Lan Xichen feeling similarly vacant and empty. But he understood why Jiang Cheng's guard was up and he understood this was all they could have. 

As it's been years since he last seen Jiang Cheng he spent the time just reminiscing and cataloging the different expressions, the subtly twitch of his slim fingers around the handle of his cup, the small wince as he sipped at the hot chocolate a little too hot for his cat-like tongue.

Remembering the way Wanyin used to be his. 

The soft smile shown only to his loved ones, the smile reserved only for him, his atrocious bedhead early in the morning, the fragrant soup only he knew how to make, pillow fights when moving in together for the first time, arguments ending in assurances. 

Thousands of memories flitted through his mind as he gazed at the man he loved. The man he loves. The man he will probably always love as his heart will know no other. 

Even though Wanyin was here and very much present, Lan Xichen could see that the last time they saw each other was still burned in the back of his mind. The roses Jiang Cheng bought, the way Lan Xichen let them die, it was all still very much a present memory. 

But Lan Xichen was nothing if not determined. He was adament on only talking about the past if Wanyin was open to it. But now, having seen him, having felt feelings he thought dormant for years, he would be selfishly willing to do anything to get that back. 

He would swallow his meaningless pride and apologize for that night, that cold wintery December night. He wished he realized then what he would lose, he was consumed with regret. 

After a long silence, Jiang Cheng finally looked him in the eyes and said, "why did you really ask me to meet you here."

Lan xichen could only assume he meant here as in the Cafe where they first met. 

"I wanted to apologize. First for not wishing you a happy birthday. Second for that night." 

Lan Xichen could visibly see the emotions at war with each other in Jiang Cheng's eyes. He could only be bombarded with memories of summer and Jiang Cheng's laughter from the passenger side of his car. 

Giving Jiang Cheng a moment to himself, Lan Xichen continued.  
"It has been years since we last saw each other and though I know no apology, no penance would ever right my wrongs, I stand before you as true as I am and humbly beg your pardon." 

A harsh chuckle left Jiang Cheng's lips as he lowered moved his shoulders a bit. 

" you're still so disgustingly polite. But what's brought this on? Like you said, it's been years"

"I've missed you." Lan xichen himself let out a disheartened chuckle. "I've simply missed you and I keep on coming to several realizations the most prominent one being I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you always. Over the years as the season changed, I was told my feelings would change I even expected it to. But with every passing season as each flower blooms and each leaf falls I only find myself falling for you more." 

Long slender hands trembled as it traced the rim of the cup before him. "If that were true," Jiang Cheng said shakily, "then why did you leave." 

Knowing this was coming and preparing for it, Lan Xichen answered as honestly as he could. 

"simply put, I got scared."

A harsh laugh escaped the man before him as he glared at Lan Xichen. "You? You got scared? What was so scary that you had to run away and leave me." 

Unable to bring himself to look Jiang Cheng in the eye he whispered, his words gaining strength toward the end. "I was scared of my feelings for you. My uncles expectations of me. The family's expectations of me to uphold the Lan legacy. I never meant to leave you. All you did was give me your love, a gift I should have cherished. And all I did was say goodbye and run away like the coward I was."

He looked up and set his jaw as he looked at the man before him.  
"But I am here now, and I am apologizing for my past mistakes and I will spend the rest of my life proving my love for you. I will spend the rest of my life proving my sincerety."

His eyes softened and his lips quirked. "I have missed you. Your sweet smile, your tanned skin. How you were always so good and so right to me. I have missed holding you in my arms and being held. I've missed been vulnerable in front of you."

Lan Xichen roughly let out a breath as he leaned back and gently rapped his hands against the table top. He truly was unsure as to how this would end but he has to try.

" This might be wishful thinking, might be an irrational fantasy. But Wanyin, if we loved again I will love you right."

He reached across the table and gently, tentatively placed his hand over Jiang Cheng's.  
"I would do anything to go back and change things. For years I have regretted nothing more then leaving you. Standing there, looking at me heartbroken." With a deep inhale he makes a soft remark. "But If it's too late, if you have moved on then I understand."

After that influx of information, he allows a silence to settle between them in order to give Jiang Cheng time and space to think about what he just said. To draw his own conclusion. And when Jiang Cheng finally spoke, what was said was not particularly surprising but crushingly heartbreaking. 

"I'm just tired of begging people to stay. I'm tired of being the only one fighting." As he muttered this, his shoulders curled in on himself as if to protect from that which could hurt him. And was that not devastatingly sad. 

This is precisely what Lan Xichen needed. A small spark to fan the flames. With his eyes burning with resolution, he stared unwavering lying at Jiang cheng. 

"I said I would understand I never said I would accept it." 

Bewildered and with a subtly runny nose and wet eyes, Jiang cheng stared at him dumbly. "what?" 

"I was too much of a coward to fight for you then. I wasn't worthy but I will be someone worthy of you and I will wait for 5 years or 50. However long it takes because I've lived without you and I've survived, but I don't want to spend another morning waking up without you next to me. I can live with it you but I don't want to. I want you more, want this, more than I ever remember wanting anything, because in you, in being with you've I've found my freedom."

"Xichen.."

"That night, when my family allowed me to leave. When they told me I could have my freedom on the basis that I had to leave you.." he shakes his head "It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But I was so young and naive and I believed that what I wanted most was freedom. Freedom to do what I want. Freedom to be myself."

Bracing one arm on the table and leaving over to gently caress Jiang Cheng face, he continued, reverently.

" I had not realized I found my freedom in you. The freedom I longed for, I have come to find that it means nothing more but missing you and wishing you were mine still. My freedom means being with you."

Jiang Cheng shoved the hand away and narrowed his eyes. Disheartened, Lan Xichen resigned himself, feeling an onslaught of tears, he turns away and gathers his things.

"I understand, I should not have pressured you. I will wait Wanyin, but I will not force you to do anything you do not wa-hmpf"

Jiang cheng had rounded the table and thrown himself at Lan Xichen, knowing with certainty Lan Xichen would be there to catch him.

Tearfully, he circled his arms around Lan Xichens neck and whispered against his chest.

"How can you say all this and not expect me to fall in love with you all over again."

Heart full of joy and eyes full of tears Lan Xichen holds him tighter to his body, wishing they would never separate again.

Pulling away slightly, laughing lightly at the pit and protest from Lan Xichen, Wanyin says," We can't go back to how we were. We are different people now. Things won't be the same. You hurt me, unbearably. But I hurt you too. We can't live out our old memories."

Looking down at him, Lan Xichen smiles sadly, but he understands.

"we can't live out our old memories." Wanyin leans forward places a light chaste kiss on his lips. "But we can make new ones."

Lan xichen is unable to contain the happiness building within him and his cheeks threaten to split with how wide he is smiling.

They can't be what they were, and it will take a while to mend this new relationship. But they will get there, he thinks to himself as he sighs softly against Wanyin's lips


End file.
